Hehe. I love saying that.
Ok, so I am going to be honest. I had no idea what I was going to write on. I had just decided to not write this week, until the thought of posting my testimony crossed my mind. I'm sometimes weird about not wanting to share it, not because I am embarrassed about it or anything...I've just always felt weird, don't really know how to explain it. So I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and share.
I was very blessed to grow up in a Christian home. We went to church every Sunday we could and Wednesday, and I loved it! The joke was if the doors were opened, I was there. Didn't matter if it was Senior Adult Game night...I wanted to be there. At the age of 7, I accepted Christ and was baptized. I understood as much as a seven year old can about being a Christian...it all being very anti-climatic. I stayed at a very surface level in my relationship with Christ.
In junior high, issue began to rise for me. The days of being a lanky child was over for me and the uncomfortable times of being a teenager rose. My self esteem took a huge hit, especially when boys noticed all my friends and not me. I also began to have depression and thoughts of hurting myself. To this day it still shocks me that my 12 year old self was feeling this. Junior high pretty much stunk! But I hid it behind being involved in lots of things. Though I did confide in my youth group what was going on, I still hid how much a really hurt.
Before I started high school, we got a new youth minister who truly showed my whole youth group what being a Christian meant. It was truly dying to yourself and living a life that showcased Christ. I began questioning my salvation. I even talked with my youth minister about it and "accepted Christ again". I believe though that it truly was more of a rededication, that accepting Christ when I was 7 was the actual time I became a Christian, but as I grew, my faith and knowledge grew. It was also around this time I felt God calling me into full time ministry. I was excited about where I was going and couldn't wait.
While high school was a better experience, I still struggled with depression and self esteem issues. I really really hated myself, but continuously hid it. I would confess to people what I was dealing with, and try to get better, but still put a mask on. It was actually in high school when I cut myself for the first time. And it scared the mess out of me. I was so shaken and freaked out over it; I hid in my closet and called my youth minister and his wife. It truly was like someone else took control of me when I did that. To this day I know it was Jesus that stepped in and yanked that razor out of my hand...and the other times as well. I never cut myself deep enough to leave scars, but the emotional scars were there.
I also never dated in high school. Now, I went to prom my freshman and junior year, but both times were with friends. It only hit me about a year ago that before I started high school, I actually prayed to God that I didn’t want to get involved in the dating game, that I wanted to play for keeps and have a meaningful relationship, possibly only with my future husband. Well, that’s what happened, but I allowed some many things to influence me and allowed that to overtake my life. During the second semester of my senior year, I started liking this guy a year younger than and we ended up getting together. He went to my church, I saw him as a strong Christian and a great guy. And he was. I do not blame him for anything that I am about to say, but honestly; we were not the best for each other. We were together for almost two years, and because of my insecurities, I clung to him and changed my whole life for him. It became so bad I turned against my own family and more importantly my relationship with God. I was no longer going into ministry, and I even moved out of my house and in with his family. Even though I was doing everything I said I would never do (clubbing, drinking, swearing, and smoking) thought I lived with my boyfriend’s family and him, we never went beyond kissing. And I will always be thankful that he felt as strongly about that as I did, because that is something I am so grateful for that I never caved on.
After that relationship ended, I was still in a bad place and my relationship with my parents was still bad. During this time I was getting help, but my relationship with God was still rough. In that next year, Kyle came back to my life (we had met three years prior) and we got married. During the next four years my relationship did get better with God, and even though we have gone through some hardships, I strived to get back in line with God. I had rededicated my life during this time, bur never publicly. Once we moved to Katy, I had many opportunities presented to me to get back into ministry and I was so excited about it. At Beach Retreat just a few weeks ago, God really spoke to me about surrendering it all and I made a commitment to, and even though I fought with Him all week about it, I went down to be baptized during the commitment service. It wasn’t because I believe this act “saved” me again, but it was my way of saying I know the commitment I’ve made as a Christian to live for Christ, and my recommitment to be in ministry full time.
Now my life isn’t perfect…I still struggle with things, but I can tell you this, my life now compared to my rebellious years where I only lived for me is a million times more fulfilling. Don’t allow this world to convince you that what it has to offer is better. It is a temporary fulfillment; God’s fulfillment is eternal. When you look at it that way, God’s way is much more desirable. I hate the things I’ve gone through in the past, but my prayer now is that I can use that to help teenage girls find their self worth in God and not take the path I did. That is why I have this blog. Though I may not know every person who reads this, I love you all, because you are a beautiful creation of God and He loves you as well. Living a life that is set apart can be tough, but is well worth it!
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